December Baby. You are Mine.

I walked home today with a million ideas and three songs rolling around through my head. The first was "December Baby" by Ingrid Michaelson. The second was "Merry Christmas Darling" by the Carpenters. And the third was "For the Beauty of the Earth." I don't know why I had those songs in my head, but I do know that somehow their combination perfectly described my mood.

"Merry Christmas Darling" fit my level of Christmas spirit right now. I accept it because it's coming, but I can't handle the jingly-tingly stuff. Not yet. "December Baby" described my melancholy loneliness. And "For the Beauty of the Earth" explained how even though I walk on almost the same path home everyday, I am still amazed by the gorgeousness of it all. The wind swirling the leaves up, and playing methodically with my skin as it dances through the air. The trees, with their 50 tiny branches each, or their large high limbs reaching to the sky. The light of the fading afternoon, how it perfectly casts shadows and brings an orange glow to my day. Oh the beauty of the earth. How I want to be apart of it always.

That is why I'm antsy perhaps. Because I'm still clinging to the orange glow of fall. I still want there to be weather perfect for backpacking and rock climbing, even if I don't go. I still want it to be dirty and dusty and dry. And I'm thinking of ways I can better understand the earth, and which of the six adventures I should go on to do this in the summer. And what if I should go on a semester abroad to explore the earth next school year?

I don't know what I'm going to do yet. But as I walked in anticipation, feeling vulnerable and nervous and excited and unsure I came to this conclusion. I feel like Anne of Green Gables, but instead of my red hair turning classy auburn, my blonde hair is slowly turning dull grey-brunette; blonde in front and brunette in back, one lock at a time.

I feel like Anne because she is a wanderer. And, she is a dreamer. She goes off to college, leaving the world she knows to fulfill her academic pursuits. She works hard and does well, but she never really knows where life is going to take her. She has Gilbert in her life, but she never really knows how it is going to turn out, not for years. It's hard, and unsettling, but she gets by. And she does not settle for less. She does it beautifully.

I have a feeling that one day I'm going to look back and feel the same kind of nostalgia about this time in my life as I do when I think of Anne of Green Gables. This is the hard, unsettling stage. Where life is one big bowl of decisions with a side of fear and a dash of excitement. Because even in the uncertainty of it all, you know it is going to be alright. And however your life ends up, it will end up beautifully.